When we hear the word "narcissism," the image of a self-absorbed egotist looking in the mirror and demanding universal adoration comes to mind. But few think about the narcissistic traits that can manifest in children towards their parents. This is not about adolescent egotism, which eventually passes. It's about a deep, chronic behavior where a child uses a parent as an object to satisfy their needs without feeling any gratitude or empathy. A mother who becomes a victim of such narcissism often doesn't understand what's happening: "I've given him everything, why does he treat me like this?". Let's figure out how to recognize child narcissism and what to do about it. How does child narcissism manifest towards the mother? A child narcissist doesn't necessarily scream and demand. Their tools are manipulation, belittlement, and coldness. They may ignore the mother if she doesn't give them what they want. They may publicly mock her appearance, age, and profession. They may use her as an ATM and disappear when the money runs out. They don't celebrate her successes, but instead, envy and resent. They don't show concern if she's sick, but demand that she take care of them. An adult son or daughter may blame the mother for all their failures ("it's your fault I didn't become a pianist"), not taking responsibility themselves. At the same time, they demand admiration: "Look at how successful I am (in spite of you)". Where does child narcissism come from? The causes lie in upbringing. There are two main paths. The first is overprotection and praise. A child is convinced from a young age that they are special, talented, and better than everyone else. They are not set boundaries, and they are not taught to consider others' feelings. They grow up believing that the world should revolve around them. In this system, the mother is the service staff. The second path is coldness and rejection. The child did not receive enough love and warmth, and as a defense, they built a grandiose "I": "I don't need anyone, I can handle it myself, they are all unworthy of me". Such children often look down on the mother for weakness. Sometimes narcissism is passed genetically (from a narcissistic father), but this is rare. Age-specific features: adolescent egotism vs. narcissism It's important to distinguish between normal adolescent rebellion and pathology. A teenager may be rude, ignore, argue, but in a crisis situation, they still go to their mother, they are capable of empathy (even if not always expressed), and they are ashamed of their actions. A child narcissist does not feel shame. Their rudeness has no bounds. They are capable of cruelty. If they are refused a purchase of an expensive item, they may have a tantrum, breaking dishes or, worse, start a boycott of the mother for weeks. They don't see the mother as a person, only as a function. Consequences for the mother A mother raised with a child narcissist often becomes dependent herself. She walks on eggshells, afraid of causing anger. She suffers from chronic feelings of guilt ("I didn't give enough", "I ruined him"). Her self-esteem falls, and anxiety and depression develop. She justifies the child's behavior in front of relatives ("he's just tired"). Financially, she may go broke, paying for endless caprices. Many mothers remain in this trap until old age, losing their health and friends. What to do if a child narcissist is still young (5-12 years old) First, stop reinforcing narcissistic behavior. Don't give in to tantrums. Set clear boundaries and rules. Second, teach empathy. Discuss the feelings of others, read books where heroes help each other. Third, praise for effort, not for results ("you're great for trying", not "you're a genius"). Fourth, don't belittle the child's feelings, but don't cater to them either. Fifth, seek help from a child psychologist specializing in behavioral disorders. The sooner the correction starts, the greater the chances of preventing the development of a full-fledged disorder. What to do if an adult child (18+) shows narcissism Here, the mother can no longer raise the child. The only lever is to stop financial support. Stop giving money, paying for rent, buying cars. Set a rule: "You live separately, we communicate if you respect my boundaries". If the child is aggressive, limit communication to a minimum. Don't expect gratitude — there won't be any. It's important to seek help from a psychotherapist to deal with the feeling of guilt. Many mothers are afraid that if they "reject" their child, they will die. But financial support only exacerbates narcissism. Can a child narcissist change? Yes, in childhood, with intensive therapy and a change in parental behavior. In adulthood, it's very rare. If a person has developed narcissistic personality disorder (a diagnosis made by a psychiatrist), the chances of change are minimal. Therapy is possible, but only if the patient themselves recognize the problem and want to change. But narcissists rarely seek psychological help because they don't see the problem in themselves, they see it in others. Therefore, the mother's task is not to "fix" an adult son or daughter, but to save herself. Difference between daughter-narcissist and son-narcissist Daughters are more likely to manipulate through guilt ("you're a bad mother because...") and use emotional blackmail. They may incite the father or other relatives against the mother. Sons are more likely to behave openly aggressively, may insult, lift their hand (already not children, but adult men). A daughter may pretend to be caring when she needs something, a son — to demand directly. But in both cases, the mother suffers. Prevention: how not to raise a narcissist Love unconditionally, but don't cater to. Praise for effort, not for innate qualities. Teach responsibility: by the age of 5, a child should have household chores. Don't solve their problems for them (forgot their notebook — let them get a failing grade). Teach to lose. Don't put the child at the center of the family, but don't ignore them. Set an example of respect for elders and gratitude. And most importantly, don't try to live your life through your child, acknowledge their individuality. Child narcissism towards the mother is a heavy cross. But if you recognize yourself in this description, remember: you are not obligated to endure insults and exploitation, even if "it's my child". You have the right to respect and care. Sometimes the only way out is to let go to save yourself. And this is not egoism, but self-preservation.
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