“Sorry” is a simple word that is almost unpronounceable for some people. They may go years without speaking to loved ones, lose their jobs, destroy families, but still not manage to utter that short “forgive me.” What lies behind this? Pride? Fear? Mental illness? The psychological type of a person who doesn’t apologize has a complex structure. To understand it, one needs to delve into the deepest depths of the personality.

Narcissist: I am perfect, therefore, I am never wrong

The most common psychological type of a person who doesn’t apologize is narcissistic. The narcissist sincerely believes in their uniqueness. For them, admitting a mistake is equivalent to acknowledging that they are not divine but just an ordinary mortal. This is unbearable. Therefore, the narcissist revises reality: “It was you who provoked me,” “I was just joking, but you didn’t understand,” “You are too sensitive.” They will not apologize even if the evidence is obvious. Instead of apologies, they belittle the victim’s feelings. Living with such a person means constantly doubting yourself.

Perfectionist: mistake = catastrophe

For the perfectionist, a mistake is not just a mistake. It is the destruction of the ideal image of oneself. They are so afraid of being imperfect that they deny the possibility of making a mistake. If a perfectionist stepped on your foot, they would rather say “you didn’t put your foot in the right place” than “I apologize.” An apology for them is an acknowledgment of their own insignificance. Perfectionists often burn out because they live in constant tension. Their inability to apologize is a protection from the internal critic that already torments them.

Victim psychological type: constantly offended

Paradoxically, a person with a victim’s stance also doesn’t apologize. Why? Because they believe that the world is constantly attacking them, and any of their actions is forced self-defense. “Yes, I was rude, but they provoked me.” “I was late because I had depression.” They do not take responsibility and find justifications. An apology would mean agreeing that they were wrong, which would break their worldview (I always suffer). It’s hard to deal with such people because they never change their behavior.

Sociopath: doesn’t care about others' feelings

A sociopath (dissocial personality disorder) does not experience empathy. They understand that they have caused pain, but they don’t care. Apologies for them are a manipulative tool, but if they don’t see any benefit, they won’t apologize. Unlike the narcissist, the sociopath doesn’t consider themselves perfect; they just don’t care. They may apologize if it helps them get a discount or avoid prison, but genuine apologies are not expected from them.

People with a high level of shame

These are people who have experienced humiliation in childhood. They are so hurt by their mistakes that they deny them. Shame blocks apologies: saying “forgive me” means reliving that same shame again. Such people often seem proud and cold, but in reality, they are just protecting themselves. They need help from a psychotherapist to learn to separate actions from personality.

Authoritarian personality: weakness is not for me

A person with an authoritarian personality (often found among bosses, military, police) considers apologies to be a sign of weakness. “If I apologize, subordinates will stop being afraid.” They live by the principle “the stronger, the right.” In their worldview, it is the defeated who should apologize. Interestingly, they may apologize ingratiatingly in front of superiors but never in front of equals or subordinates. This is not a trait of character, but a social mask.

Person with a lack of mental theory

There are people who do not know how to put themselves in someone else’s shoes. They simply do not understand that their words or actions could have hurt someone. This can happen with autism, schizoid disorder, or simply poor upbringing. They do not apologize because they do not see any reason. If you say to them “I was hurt when you...”, they will be genuinely surprised. Unlike the narcissist or sociopath, they are not malicious, just misunderstood. They can be taught to apologize through algorithms.

How to communicate with a person who doesn’t apologize

If you want to preserve your relationship, don’t wait for apologies — you won’t get them. Try to translate the conversation into a plane of solutions: “You won’t apologize, but can you at least not repeat this in the future?”. Sometimes the phrase “It hurt me, I want you to know” helps. Without demanding an apology. If the person is toxic and not ready to change, it’s worth thinking about distance. You are not obligated to tolerate those who do not respect your feelings.

Can such a person change

If the root of the problem is a mental disorder (narcissism, sociopathy), changes are unlikely. Such people rarely seek help from a psychotherapist. If the reason is shame or a lack of empathy (autism spectrum), correction is possible. A person can be taught to apologize as a ritual, even if they do not feel guilty. Over time, this may become a habit. But first, they must want to change themselves.

The inability to apologize is not just “badness.” It is a symptom of deep-seated problems. Before judging, try to understand the cause. But if you keep hitting a wall, remember: you have the right to respect. And sometimes the only correct decision is to leave.

Permanent link to this publication: